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 Title and stuff...it's a poem pretty much

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Dudesgotagun

Dudesgotagun

Number of posts : 17
Registration date : 2009-06-19

Title and stuff...it's a poem pretty much Empty
PostSubject: Title and stuff...it's a poem pretty much   Title and stuff...it's a poem pretty much Icon_minitimeWed Nov 10, 2010 12:48 pm

Insane from the pain that knows me best.
In life, in love I do detest,
these words that claim an understanding
and leave to be just so demanding
in hushes in whispers when he tries to kiss her.
He's broken, he's dumb, and tired of love he's tired of rumors of something above.
Now every words in his direction that's like an infection of roaches and splinters and nothing that hinders this way that he thinks when he can't believe a torment that's spinning when he isn't winning a battle that's fought but never is thought to be something iimportant when he just can't hold it

It's meant to be read pretty fast, but it doesn't flow as well as I would like...Suggestions?
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Ryue
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Ryue

Number of posts : 166
Registration date : 2009-01-19

Title and stuff...it's a poem pretty much Empty
PostSubject: Re: Title and stuff...it's a poem pretty much   Title and stuff...it's a poem pretty much Icon_minitimeWed Nov 10, 2010 1:30 pm


I was all with it until that very end section, that's where you lost me. I get that it's suppose to be read fast, but I'm not a poet, so I don't think I'd be very helpful in giving advice. The best I can think of would be to add a bit more punctuation in that section. Read fast yes, but that doesn't mean some commas can't be placed in at least one or two places.
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